Learning Languages

I have always had this internal conflict of learning languages. I am half Laotian and half Chinese-Vietnamese. Growing up, my parents would speak to each other in English. Plus I grew up in a multi ethnic neighborhood. Mostly hispanic, cambodian and vietnamese. I am second generation Vietnam War refugees. So I grew up with mostly other ethnicities from Southeast Asia. 

Before I started grade school, I remember speaking my parents' languages pretty fluently no problem. But when I started grade school, I had to learn English and the way my mind was, little by little, parents' languages slowly disappeared from my mind. I still practiced it but as a child, I wanted to integrate with the whole American culture and wanted to be with the "cool kids". I was considered slow and dumb, so I had to take speech class from kindergarten to second grade to really learn how to speak english clearly. And I had to repeat first grade. Technically, the first year of first grade, was called Transitional First Grade and it was even written that on my class picture. In due time, because of my shyness, (and other kids bullying me, didn't help my self-esteem at all) I refused to say anything in any other language thats not English because I didn't want to sound dumb. It was really hard for me as a child. There were some bullies who really bullied me every single day before the bus picked us up at the bus stop and during recess and after school, after the bus dropped us off. There was a period of time, I was all alone, I had nobody to help me and I cried and cried till I made myself walk home alone after all the kids walked home. There was other periods of time that a couple of my cousins and their families moved into my neighborhood and they noticed the bullies who bullied me and they helped me fight them off me. I was really grateful of them. Even though my cousins did that, I was a really sad kid with low self-esteem. I tried to be happier. My cousins helped me a lot by being there for me. They were the brothers and sisters that I never had. 

Side Story

I am an only child. My parents married, had me and divorced when I was a baby. I never saw my parents embrace each other or anything of the sort. I always saw them fighting. I also grew up poor. I lived with my mom and she quit working when she was pregnant with me. Throughout my childhood, my mom lived off of child support, welfare, and food stamps. My mom was ok with that lifestyle. She would take me clothes shopping once a year before school year starts. Christmas and birthdays was lonely and it was usually me and my mom and she would usually give me one present. If she notices that my dad would buy me a present, then she wouldn't buy me anything. 

Nobody usually knows where Laos is. So whenever people ask me what am I, I usually say that I am half Thai since Laos is next to Thailand and the cultures and languages is really similar. My mom was born and raised in Vietnam and she has a Vietnamese name. I dont even know how many generations my mom's family has been living in Vietnam but she is of Chinese descent from the Hong Kong area. Culturally I can say that I am part Chinese-Vietnamese. A lot of the things my mom raised me, she cooked a lot different things that are Viet and Chinese dishes and she showed me a couple of stuff that are both viet and Chinese too - rituals/ ideas. The Chinese language that my mom spoke is Cantonese, the main language of Hong Kong. That was the one that she spoke most to me so its my "mother tongue" even though I don't really know how to speak it fluently. As an adult, I know baby words of both Laotian and Cantonese and some basic conversational phrases but I am just too shy to speak any language fluently because I feel or sound dumb. Plus my dad says I am F***ing stupid repeatedly throughout my childhood. I don't know why he did that. One of my cousins says its tough love and I need to learn to grow with tough skin. I think every person has different personalities and different perceptions that makes them deal with certain situations differently. My father's saying that to me, didn't help with my self-esteem issues at all.

Starting seventh grade, I took spanish classes onward. I learned spanish for 6 years. It was handy when I was living in Los Angeles, taking the public transportation all over the city. There were areas where all there was are hispanics and I needed to know something (most likely what time does the bus come or where the public bathrooms were lol). But I still didn't like to speak spanish fluently because I was too shy and most hispanics spoke spanish too fast for me to converse with. Plus I always had good close friends who were spanish speaking my whole life and every one in a while, i would practice some spanish with them.

Present Day

I am basically playing catch up. Now that I am an adult, I have learned to appreciate the asian culture. I am still battling self-esteem issues but I am more confident overall. I am some what more comfortable with myself in my own skin. I am a bible student and study the bible daily and meditate on what I read. 

I have been blessed to be a Jehovah's witness and to be part of the world wide organization which the main goal is to preach to others about the bible, Jehovah God and his heavenly kingdom. Part of preaching is learning foreign languages.  I feel like Jehovah God has answered my prayers regarding this. I have had the privilege of being out in the ministry with the vietnamese congregation from Wichita, KS and going to meetings at the chinese congregational meetings.  Even though, I still dont know how to converse well with others, the tones are like home to me. I would say I know more laotian words and phrases because I am around my Laotian family more but I don't really practice it much. I am learning mandarin, cantonese, vietnamese, and some thai. 

Something exciting just recently happened. I was blessed to be present at the beginning of the language class for vietnamese in kansas city.  It started 3 weeks ago and already this week, we're learning theocratic terminology.  And then one of my friends from the Chinese congregation told me that they're gonna start a language class too for chinese. I couldn't believe it!  I have been asking the friends from chinese about an available  language class for a long time and there was never an answer. Prayer can really go a long way! And then so many people say a person should do one language and focus on only one. Can i really do one language or 2? I wish i can be 100% of something but i am mixed. I feel the need to learn more than 1 language,  not just to converse with family when I travel but for the ministry.  No matter where I go, I need to think about what I set out to do when I got baptized. To tell others about what Jehovah God can do to save mankind and what it will mean for us personally. I love being a Jehovah's witness.                                                                                                      

June 2015

November 2015

A Blessing of Being a JW

A Full Year

I have been baptized a Jehovah's Witness for a little over a year now. I have progressed so much I think. My faith has been tested in so many ways, and its not the end either. I have been told that because I am a Witness now, Satan will be attacking me more than people of the world. Which is completely true!  I have appreciated the provisions that Jehovah has given us, the new JW Broadcasting, the new songs, the new Caleb & Sophia videos, and all the other videos presented through the JW Broadcasting. The JW Library app is completely integrated with JW Broadcasting if you want to download anything. Most of the publications are available to download in the JW Library app - which is what I appreciate because I have read some literature on my tablet especially the 2015 Yearbook this year.

There has also been a lot of changes in my full time job that has troubled me spiritually and I am still trying to cope with the changes made that has affected me directly and indirectly. It has been really rough and I am slowly but surely getting past it all.

(my new haircut - spring 2015)

Blessing 

I got baptized on April 5th, 2014 along side Natalie and Chris, other bible students from my hall. It was a really joyous day. I felt so nervous and giddy all at the same time. All baptismal candidates sat in the front row of the assembly hall in Kempur Arena. It was the best seats in the house! Too bad there was no drama, lol! Its also probably the one and only time I would ever sit that close to the podium. Natalie and I talked, she seems really nice, we have been talking about getting together to hang out or something, but nothing hasn't come of it yet. Chris also seems nice too but I don't really talk to him much. Both of them have families.  Fran, the sister I studied the God's Love book, she took lots of pictures of me during the baptism, which is a good thing. She knows how much I love pictures!

It is a blessing to be part of this amazing organization. There are times I get frustrated because of certain situations but I love the congregation I am in. Everyone makes me feel at home, some people invite me out with them to eat and hang out, sometimes I invite myself lol... and then I am the unofficial computer person in my congregation who almost everyone asks for assistance. I help one of the elders with his computer and printer connections, a relative of another elder just bought himself and his wife a tablet and they asked me to help them with that, and a group of the single older sisters would ask me every once in a while for assistance on their computers, tablets and smartphones. A sister moved from point A to point B to point C, and all 3 times I helped disconnect and reconnect all her electronics i.e. tv, dvd player, computer & phone. At one point, I was getting frustrated because I was the only one helping others and nobody helps me whenever I need help with tech stuff but a sister told me that I am special because I have such a willing spirit to help others and that Jehovah has used me to do so. I am so quick to think negative but I try to think positive and optimistic especially when I am around other people.

Field Service 

Whenever I am out in field service, I always have a smile on my face and always joke around. There are some of the friends who don't seem to smile or talk much and I was wondering why. A sister told me that its just a difference of personalities in a car group versus another group of personalities in another car group. I always try to draw people out, but sometimes it can be draining if its one way all the time. Everyone is great to go out in field service with. I just enjoy being out with the brothers and sisters, getting to know other people and their stories on how they found the truth.

The campaign in August was amazing. I was so used to being around the older brothers and sisters in field service, that the whole month of August I was finally doing service with the younger brothers and sisters. It was a breath of fresh air! I was so excited that I took pictures of everyone with the tracts and bibles. There was even one Saturday I went out with 2 elders and their wives, (that was a rarity for me), I asked if I could make a poster/collage of the August campaign for everyone. Liberty congregation has almost half rural territory and half city territory. I did mostly city so most of us (young ones) walked door to door. So when I took pictures of people, it was usually of the younger ones in my car groups! The older ones did rural territories. They usually stay in the car and drive from house to house. Whoever has a hard time walking, they take the houses with less stairs or no stairs at all. The somewhat of the younger of the older ones would take the houses with more stairs.

Work 

A lot has happened at work. It was challenging and it troubled me emotionally. It went from being a job I loved to a job that I hated to a job that I can barely tolerate. I have been doing graphic design for over a decade. Graphic design is a craft that I have always had a passion for. No matter what regular jobs I had, I always found work as an independent contractor. I was able to practice what I learned from community college and trade school over the years on my own. So what happened at work within the past year, really hurt me so much with my confidence and self-esteem issues. I was finally good with myself, I was able to say I did graphic design for a living and I was proud of myself.

Basically what happened at work:
1. The president got terminated and replaced by the recent person he hired before he got terminated.
2. My supervisor who I was working with via Skype moved back into town, and got promoted to C.O.O. and I just continued to help him with work.
3. Old management got stripped away their powers but still are vital to the company and still present; new management started making changes around work but not implementing them. Same problems, different people.
4. More meetings behind closed doors, a lot of hush conversations and back talking. That means everyone else in the office in those meetings and I was left in the office to answer phone calls with no sales people available and I have to deal with customers.
4. New management hired an outside marketing team then fired them, then hired a person to replace what I originally did. Someone who graduated from a university and has obviously more experience than me.

The last part was the hardest one for me to get past. But I am finally coming to terms with it. Thats why it took me so long to blog about it. I doubted my abilities as a graphic designer, I doubted my passion, I doubted whether my skills are worth anything to prove to the new management at work or anybody else. A couple months ago, we received a letter from the headquarters saying that they are in need of people who are skilled in the arts. I was originally going to apply when the letter was read at the meeting but because what happened at work affected me so much, I didn't want to anymore. Everyone who knew me best, told me to apply! There was at times recently I feel more at ease with myself. I have been doing more personal study, meditated and prayed more to Jehovah, talking to him about everything that has been troubling me. I told him I need help to be spiritually strong and to be at peace. There were at times I felt an anxiety attack and it scared me to death. Thats how bad I was. I knew Jehovah can help me, because I can sense he helped me through my transitions from different phases of my life. I am the type of person who is bad with words but Jehovah helped me with writing my last talk, the one on What Does the Bible Promise For the Future? I was surprised at myself and I knew it was Jehovah who helped me write the talk. I talked a couple of my close friends about my situation and it has helped me a little bit. What really helped me is time. Time to deal emotionally with personal study, prayer and meditation. For every single time we had a meeting or watchtower study article, I think about what the material is and apply it in my life.

Now as I am helping out a friend move out of state, I am more at peace with myself and am ready to apply to work at Bethel, either working remotely from home or going there to help out in the many projects that are in place. I am going to submit it this weekend. I already sent the web links of my portfolio to the congregation secretary. I might not get accepted but at least, I did it. And I will continually progress as a bible student and draw closer to Jehovah.

(my hairstyle - fall 2014)