Re-Learning What I Already Knew

I still live in Liberty, Missouri. I have made a life here, and downgraded from a one bedroom apartment to a studio apartment. I even broke up with my previous boyfriend of one year. He was a co-worker from my gas station job. We grew to love each other in a short period of time and soon we shared that one bedroom apartment. I thought he was the one. He actually proposed to me during a rock concert we went to. But he did something that I didn't like and that's when I broke it off. He did love me and was willing to do anything for me. But for everything, something always have to give.

While I was working the 2 jobs at Savers and the gas station, I worked non-stop between 50 -70 hours a week. I couldn't even plan out a full day off from work. When I thought I got a day off from one job, another job calls me up and say "can you work today?" Which I always say yes because I needed the money. Especially during that time, I didn't had a car and I was walking from point A to point B. After awhile, I bought myself a cheap bike from Walmart, a boys' size bike for $50ish. It was rough... esp this is during the winter. I even worked throughout the holidays. I worked during Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. Some of those holidays I even worked both jobs because they needed extra help. So it was a big plus for when I was saving up money for a car.

My boyfriend and I moved in together November/December 2011 in Liberty. Our first date was a month before we moved in together. So it was pretty quickly, especially the place I was staying at was my boyfriend before him, his name was also Matthew. The new Matthew, and me walked to work, he also didn't have a car. His family and him recently moved up here from Mississippi the previous year and the only person who had a car was his dad. My boyfriend was there at the gas station at the time when one day I had a customer walk in and ask if anybody knew who was looking to buy a car. I said, "I do, ME!" Lol... luckily, things turned up, my co-worker/boyfriend helped me out by negotiating with the guy who was selling his mom's car. I was able to buy the car at a reasonable amount of around $2400ish. After 7-8 months of hard work, I bought a black 1997 Honda CRV. During that time, my boyfriend just got a raise, was working graveyard and he then persuaded me to quit one of my 2 jobs. He didn't like to see me over-working myself. So I decided to quit the job at the gas station since that was part time. I needed something more stable so I kept the full time job that I had at Savers. This was around April/May 2012. I felt a lot better not over-working myself out after I quit the gas station job.

Savers was a fast-paced job, I was working in the production room, trying to meet quota, and it was non-stop push on something that was unrealistic numbers. After awhile, they hired 2 new people to do the Bed and Bath department for me. I trained both of them, and I slowly cross-trained myself into doing the Shoes and Clothing department. I was originally trained to do Clothing pricing and Shoes had the same rating system as the Clothing so it was easy to learn. Basically, I incorporated all I know about fashion from Los Angeles to my job at Savers. Bed and Bath department was all me since the grand opening of the store. One day, we were down a couple people at the tables (the beginning part of the production line) and I was asked by a co-worker of mine to work as a hanger, then all of a sudden, I was on the tables since. This was around mid-late summer of 2012. I liked the fact I was doing something else other than Bed and Bath department. One bad thing about it was the repetition. Other than that, it was nice. In the later part of a work day, I would have helped rack off the lines, (meaning clearing the lines of already hanged clothes onto an empty clothing rack) then I would most likely tag the racks (meaning putting price tags on the clothes with my tag gun) then if they need more help I would roll the racks on to the sales floor and put the clothes out. I had fun hanging for Diego, he was a new hire and I think he's gay and fun to be around. He was the sorter on my side of the table, whenever I was low on piles, I would help him sort then when I was good on piles, I would start hanging again. After my first full year there, I was trying to get a raise and/or promotion, but nobody really helped me and I was getting fed up. I was there for almost a year and a half until I found myself another job.

The biggest change during this time of my life was when I met an older woman, Mary Murphy, while I was working at Savers. One of the days, I was rolling Bed and Bath on to the floor, she approached me with a Chinese tract. I recognized it to be one of the literature produced by Jehovah's Witnesses. I actually studied the bible with a Jehovah's Witness when I was a teenager for several years. I knew it was the truth but after I moved from Connecticut to California, I continued to study with another sister but never progressed because my ex-husband gave me an ultimatum. I was young so I chose love for him over studying the bible. At this current time of my life, I decided to resume my bible study. It has been 10 years since I stopped my bible study, but I started all over again. There were a couple things that has changed since the first time around. When I first started studying, I was studying the Knowledge book and there were 2 meetings during the week. Now the new study aid was the Bible Teach book and they combined the 2 meetings into 1 meeting during the week. I feel so much better studying the bible again and I really felt the love among the congregations and from Jehovah God. I studied the Bible Teach with Mary Murphy and Fran Bailey, sisters from the North Independence Kingdom Hall. I started studying with them while I was living with Matt early part of 2012 - around February/March. Matt was studying a little bit with me but he didn't like it and was also trying to convince me to not study either like my ex-husband. It took me a while but eventually got his support on my bible study. Mary also helped me to stand my ground on what I know was the right thing to do according to Jehovah's standards. When I started to go to the meetings, I felt the warmth and love all around. I miss the feeling from the meetings back in Connecticut. I was talking to everybody at the meetings, introducing myself to everybody, trying to get to know everybody. I was ecstatic. I got to know some of the older ones, the younger ones, and some of the elders. The only group that I felt was kinda untouchable was the teenagers. I guess me being 29/30 years old, I felt I was far from their teenage angst and couldn't understand them anymore LOL! Studying the Bible Teach was basically catch up for me. I regained my relationship back with Jehovah and I could feel his holy spirit helping me get closer to him and to the spiritual family. I began to make friends with the Liberty, Rockcreek, Independence North congregation and the Chinese group that meets at the same kingdom hall with the Rockcreek and Independence North. Linda Johnson, a sister who started to help Mary study with me, couldn't continue to be there so they had Fran Bailey to be with Mary. Then Linda also had another sister from the Liberty congregation to drive me to the meetings, Fran Hennessy. She happened to live really close to me, so it was convenient for the both of us. We developed a close friendship and then when I finished studying the Bible Teach with Mary and Fran B. I started the second book, the God's Love book with Fran Hennessy. I don't remember when the book transition happened.

Mary did have an affect on me, she was a spiritually mature older sister and helped me on my relationship with Matt. One of the things Matt did that I didn't like, he tends to make decisions for the both of us and change plans on the both of us on spur of the moment. One Saturday night, he did that, we both went bar hopping, and one of the bars we went to, I was alone while he and his dad was drinking and making friends then I told him I wanted to go home, then he said something about "my religion" and I didn't like his tone of voice. I didn't realize the impact of what I did that night, but I kicked Matt out of our apartment and we stopped communication for a whole week. I was considering to get back together with him but his dad threatened me, my job and the religion. My potential father-in-law scared me so much that I was went to my boss and talked about this with her. Esp he said something that he was going to go to my workplace and tell everyone how I was a terrible person and horrible worker. Also he said he will go to world headquarters of Jehovah's Witnesses and blow up the place and get a lawyer and sue the whole organization. This happened around November 2012.  We were officially together for one whole year as of the day I kicked him out of the apartment. He was trying to come up with a one year anniversary thing for the both of us but it didn't really worked out because of his poor planning skills. I was thinking maybe I over-reacted about that Saturday night but because of how his dad over-reacted to our break-up, I didn't bother clearing up our misunderstanding. I ended up living on my own in the one bedroom apartment with just my minimum wage full time job at Savers for a month and a half alone. I was just in a rush to find a lower rent of an apartment, something more affordable with the little pay I did get. Even though we broke up, Matt helped me move into another apartment that I found near the Liberty Square, an apartment in the basement floor of the complex. I moved into the studio apartment January 1st, 2013.

I became an unbaptized publisher around March/April 2013. I was actually excited to go out in field service the first time I went. I still enjoy going out in the field ministry to this day. I still don't know what to say half the time but in due time, I will know more to say at the door when preaching the good news of Jehovah God's heavenly kingdom. Later on in the year, I started to participate in the Theocratic Ministry School as a householder. It was really cool and I was nervous. Most of the times, I was Fran H.'s householder. So I was comfortable with her. After I was done studying the God's Love book with Fran H. I was a little antsy on what was I supposed to do next. I was told to just continue doing my weekly personal bible study, daily bible reading, preparing for the meetings and reading the daily text. That is a lot for me but I am still going at it.

Life in Liberty, Missouri

Me - August 2011

2011
After living with my family in Kansas City for 5 months, it was really getting on my nerves.  I was always wrong with my cousin,  no matter what I do, she even got a job and tried to get me to work with her but I knew if I were to work with her,  my life would be more of a living hell 24/7, not just at home. One of the many thing other than looking for a job online, I was also looking for dates/ guys on dating sites and such. One of the sites, I went on Plenty of Fish, and I actually got some dates through that. I actually hooked up with someone there and we were together for 1 month and he helped me a lot for a short amount of time we were together.  He helped me get a job, which was more than my cousin has helped me. Out of all the places I applied to, I got my first 2 jobs in Liberty, Missouri working in a gas station next to walmart and a new thrift store called savers.  All because of my first boyfriend.  Of course, it was short lived, he broke up with me, and then I used him as an excuse to move out of my family's house, it was bad manners to do so but I didn't care at the time. I knew that if I continued to live there with my new income in my family's house, I would have given them all my paycheck and I would just get trapped in a situation all over again, and I wasnt gonna get sucked back into it.  So my new friend, let me live with him for a couple of months till I got back onto my feet. I was working non-stop, even working on holidays, walking to and back home from work,  sometimes I would be lucky for my friend to drive me there or back.

My Uncle & Aunt with their grandchildren

Savers
When I first started working at Savers,  I was really excited. It was a new store of a franchise and they kept on saying that they do promotions,  benefits,  helping the environment,  and all that.  I was working there full time,  making friends all over the place.... after awhile, things settled down. In the beginning, my position was to be a women's clothing pricer, but I wasnt fast enough so they transfered me to do bed n bath department-  sorting,  folding,  tagging, pricing n rolling my own stuff. I had 1 other person in my department and her name was Ashley,  she seemed to be cool. But later on,  she had some personal family drama that led her to miss so many days and her not being at work really affected me and for the both of us,  to not make our quota. By this time, working at savers was not fun anymore. I was really stressed out for not making quota because the second person wasn't there half the time. It was pissing me off... but nonetheless,  I had fun especially when we dressed up, there was a big thing of costumes all the time.... I started to hang out with my coworkers like  Tim, Sherry and Buffy. Tim was a musician and music producer and worked as a recycler full time on the production team. He was always nice to me by helping me out recycling my linens without me calling out. Sherry is a Baptist,  started off in shoes department then transfered into the bed n bath department to help me out. Buffy was a cashier in the beginning, then she became a roller for clothing, then switched to do jewelry department. 

Savers Logo/Poster/Brand at Grand Opening 

My Horrendous Work Station 

Some of us during one of the costume days 

Gas Station

Basically started both jobs the same time. Because savers was a full time job,  I asked if I could get my part time job at the gas station to coincide with the savers job. My boss at the gas station was really nice about it. I was really grateful that the gas station was just down the street from Savers so after working Savers, I can walk up to the other job and I would bring my backpack so I can change from one work shirt to the other work shirt, both red. Of all the colors, I always hated the color red but it just happens to be that way. When I got hired at the gas station, there were also 2 other new people, Corey and Jennifer. I had fun there,  it was more laid back than Savers. Whenever I worked with Jennifer, we would gossip about our coworkers and customers all the time. There were even a couple of guys that we worked with that we had semi- crushes on. I liked this guy name Matt and she liked another guy .... who was already taken... lol... Matt, the guy that i liked, was 1 year younger than me. It was so wierd, liking someone who was younger,  I was always into guys who are 13 years older than me haha... after our first date, we seem to be hitting it off pretty well.

Gas Prices were actually reasonable... 

Work at the Gas Station was chill but nice to work at compared to Savers 

Corey!!... 

Denny, the Night guy 

Living With Family

Now I'm starting from the end of my previous post. I moved to Kansas City,  Missouri at April 1st, 2011 on my first road trip, it was the only way that I can move with most of my stuff excluding my furniture.  My cousin,  Ketsana flown to Los Angeles,  I took her to Chinatown, and to visit my uncle and his daughter,  it was a little going away thing there with the little family who actually likes me and has tolerated me.

My family in Los Angeles for the most part were ok with me.  The only ones who really made it difficult for me to belong was my 2 cousins who I first lived with,  Wendy and Sam. I moved in with my Aunt Manivanh, she's Christian and really nice but her kids didn't really make me feel at home so after 4-5 months I moved to live with my Uncle Soukanh. He was the one I saw before I left LA. Him and his daughter, Tracy, the only cousin I was really close to.

I decided to leave for so many different reasons. 

1. Always financially struggling with 2-4 part time jobs. 
2. Always supporting myself and one other person (typically my ex husband and ex boyfriend)
3. The BS that I have to deal with in the adult industry
4. Always trying to find another better job outside the adult industry so I don't need to do that stuff anymore.  But it's just so hard,  all I can get is lame jobs that pay minimum wage...
5. After getting arrested for the 3rd time,  that was the last straw for me. 
6. I didn't wanna be the mean person by kicking out my boyfriend so I eliminated myself from the equation. 
7. I recently visited Kansas City 5-6 months prior of me moving there.  I realized my nephews and nieces don't really know me, strangers, the only one who remembers me is the oldest because the last visit prior to that one was 3-4 years before that. So another reason for me moving the was to create that relationship with my nephews and nieces,  and reconnecting with my cousins and my Aunt and uncle. 

Road Trip

I loved the actual road trip,  I rented an intermediate size car,  I tried to put in as much stuff as i could possibly can.  Ketsana couldn't believe I had so many stuff.  I didn't think I had so much stuff , just a enough for a Californian chick. Hehe... I drove for like 2-4 hours,  Ketsana drove for 18-20 hours,  I guess she wanted to be in control even tho she complains that she's the only one who is driving,  I kept on insisting I can drive every 3-4 hours.  That was the only conflict we had.  We talked about the future,  how we can help each other and all that. I was just on awe that we're going through all these states.  I really wanted to stop by the grand canyon, but it was just too out off the way but whatever.  We basically stopped at a gas station in every state that we passed, and I bought myself a couple of postcards of each state and I was taking pictures on the way,  and of the sunset of the straight horizon of the Great Plains as we start to arrive in the mid West.

The Obvious Future / The Setting

Now when I was homeless,  my cousin, Ketsana keep urging me too move in with her.  I said no,  let me try to make it on my own first,  because I knew in my heart,  it was inevitable, she personally wanted me to become her built in nanny for her kids.  When I finally gave in,  I knew well enough what I was getting myself into.  The reality sink in after the first couple days in the family house. The house has 2 bedrooms, one bathroom, one kitchen, one dining room, a living room,  and a basement.  There lived 5 adults and 5 children.  I became the 6th adult.  My aunt and uncle is in one bedroom,  Ketsana and her 3 kids in the other bedroom,  Tina,  (my younger cousin) and her husband and her 2 kids in the basement.  They were in the process of constructing a downstairs bathroom so we all won't be using the same bathroom. It never was finished while I was there.  The new living arrangement now that I was too be living there,  was that I sleep with Ketsana and 1-2 of her kids. Her youngest,  Jazlyn changes back and forth from sleeping with her mom and her grandparents.  Her middle child,  Islind usually sleeps with us. Her oldest child, Damion sleeps on the floor next to the grandparents' bed, on a thin twin size mattress pad. 

Family

We bought a lot of bins so we can store my clothes and bought myself a cheap computer desk so I can  set up my computer on it. My computer became the house computer,  all the kids wanted to to be on my computer. Oh and from the first day I stayed,  I started to teach the kids different  stuff. I taught Damion origami and how to draw. I taught Islind his ABCs and a little bit of how to read and write the abc's.   I taught Jazlyn, and the other 2 babies, Alyza & Jojo their numbers and the alphabet.  On the computer, I showed fun computer games for all the kids so they can learn their numbers and the alphabet.  I started to really care and grew affectionate for all of them.  Tina and her husband kept on being on their phones and being in the living room all day long.  At the time,  Tina was working full time,  and her husband was a stay at home dad,  he cooked whenever he felt like it. Ketsana taught me how to cook laotian food.  All the foods that I need to learn how to cook.  I don't know how to spell them all out in english, but I actually enjoyed myself learning how to cook.  I could tell that I was getting on her nerves though because I was too slow. They all said that I don't wanna help out with the cooking or cleaning unless I was being asked.  Well in the beginning I was cleaning up all the stuff around the house every single day,  while the kids just played around and the other adults just slept ask day or be on their cell phones. After awhile of me being the only one cleaning,  I stopped initiating the clean up ... I was fed up. People was complaining that I was on my computer to much,  will what else was I supposed to do? Tina's husband,  Davanh was on his cell phone or laptop in the living room while "so-called" looking after all the kids if they are in the living room while watching tv.   I looked after the kids if they were in the bedroom with me.  Believe me,  they went back and forth all day! There were 3 babies,  at the time, Jazlyn was 3, Alyza was 2, Jojo was a little more than a year old? I don't remember the exact ages but the was always a baby crying.  All three of them was in diapers,  the girls kept on playing and fighting and their moms actually encouraged their fighting reach other which I think is totally wrong but what do I know? Nobody jumps at their crying,  but they just let the babies cry,  they say it is tough love,  and that they shouldn't cater to every babies needs.  They would only step in if the baby would not so crying after a certain time frame like a half hour or an hour or so. Most of the time,  the baby will eventually stop crying and start playing again. 

 

Uncle Xeng & me with the 5 kids 

Aunty Lee & the 5 kids 

Damion & Islind 

Alyza & Damion & Jazlyn