Learning Chinese

I know that I haven't blogged in a couple years. I apologize to whatever audience that I do have. I blog for a different reason. I blog for personal reasons, for my sanity but also, I know that I have a presence on the internet for a long time and for whatever reason, I feel that blogging can change people's view of my persona online. I'm not the greatest writer and now that I'm older, maybe I will change the way that I blog.

For the past couple of years, I have been learning Chinese. In the beginning, I was learning 3-4 languages at the same time and I was overloading myself. I have been told to be focused on one language so I decided on Mandarin. Its the language of the local chinese congregation and I chose to learn for the ministry. I am also delving into Cantonese because its my mother's tongue. I have discovered many things about myself, the language and the culture. Its very interesting and yet frustrating because I feel like I am not learning fast enough and/or I am still shy about speaking the words and phrases that I do know. I have also discovered that I have this bad habit of responding back in English whenever people are talking to me in either Chinese or Laotian. Its my being a second generation Asian American. 

Here are some pictures that I have taken of my practices of Chinese character writing. On the cardboard pieces, I practice grouping simple characters together so I can remember them better as they resemble each other. I group them by similar strokes, and/or patterns of some sort. Like the one with direction: up, middle, down. And the different degrees of "GOOD".

1. 2.

3.4. 

5. 6.
7. 8.

9. 10.

11. 

Studying chinese is a a lot of hard work. I have practiced by watching many youtube videos, following channels such as Yang Yang Chinese, Learn Chinese Now, Chineasy, Learn Chinese with Emma, Learn Cantonese with CantoneseClass101.com, EZ Cantonese, and Pierre-Francois Metayer's Cantonese in One Minute. All of them are pretty good, some are better than others but still learn from every one of them. I also been learning from language apps via my cellphone and Samsung tablet such as JW Language, Hello Chinese, Cantonese Lingo Cards, Learn & Play, Learn Cantonese Daily. 

I have also made flash cards. These words are more theocratic language from the publications that I study from for my meetings at the kingdom hall. I am getting the hang of writing the characters. Its a slow process but I am trying to learn fast and efficiently. Its a never-ending process of language learning... 

Learning Languages

I have always had this internal conflict of learning languages. I am half Laotian and half Chinese-Vietnamese. Growing up, my parents would speak to each other in English. Plus I grew up in a multi ethnic neighborhood. Mostly hispanic, cambodian and vietnamese. I am second generation Vietnam War refugees. So I grew up with mostly other ethnicities from Southeast Asia. 

Before I started grade school, I remember speaking my parents' languages pretty fluently no problem. But when I started grade school, I had to learn English and the way my mind was, little by little, parents' languages slowly disappeared from my mind. I still practiced it but as a child, I wanted to integrate with the whole American culture and wanted to be with the "cool kids". I was considered slow and dumb, so I had to take speech class from kindergarten to second grade to really learn how to speak english clearly. And I had to repeat first grade. Technically, the first year of first grade, was called Transitional First Grade and it was even written that on my class picture. In due time, because of my shyness, (and other kids bullying me, didn't help my self-esteem at all) I refused to say anything in any other language thats not English because I didn't want to sound dumb. It was really hard for me as a child. There were some bullies who really bullied me every single day before the bus picked us up at the bus stop and during recess and after school, after the bus dropped us off. There was a period of time, I was all alone, I had nobody to help me and I cried and cried till I made myself walk home alone after all the kids walked home. There was other periods of time that a couple of my cousins and their families moved into my neighborhood and they noticed the bullies who bullied me and they helped me fight them off me. I was really grateful of them. Even though my cousins did that, I was a really sad kid with low self-esteem. I tried to be happier. My cousins helped me a lot by being there for me. They were the brothers and sisters that I never had. 

Side Story

I am an only child. My parents married, had me and divorced when I was a baby. I never saw my parents embrace each other or anything of the sort. I always saw them fighting. I also grew up poor. I lived with my mom and she quit working when she was pregnant with me. Throughout my childhood, my mom lived off of child support, welfare, and food stamps. My mom was ok with that lifestyle. She would take me clothes shopping once a year before school year starts. Christmas and birthdays was lonely and it was usually me and my mom and she would usually give me one present. If she notices that my dad would buy me a present, then she wouldn't buy me anything. 

Nobody usually knows where Laos is. So whenever people ask me what am I, I usually say that I am half Thai since Laos is next to Thailand and the cultures and languages is really similar. My mom was born and raised in Vietnam and she has a Vietnamese name. I dont even know how many generations my mom's family has been living in Vietnam but she is of Chinese descent from the Hong Kong area. Culturally I can say that I am part Chinese-Vietnamese. A lot of the things my mom raised me, she cooked a lot different things that are Viet and Chinese dishes and she showed me a couple of stuff that are both viet and Chinese too - rituals/ ideas. The Chinese language that my mom spoke is Cantonese, the main language of Hong Kong. That was the one that she spoke most to me so its my "mother tongue" even though I don't really know how to speak it fluently. As an adult, I know baby words of both Laotian and Cantonese and some basic conversational phrases but I am just too shy to speak any language fluently because I feel or sound dumb. Plus my dad says I am F***ing stupid repeatedly throughout my childhood. I don't know why he did that. One of my cousins says its tough love and I need to learn to grow with tough skin. I think every person has different personalities and different perceptions that makes them deal with certain situations differently. My father's saying that to me, didn't help with my self-esteem issues at all.

Starting seventh grade, I took spanish classes onward. I learned spanish for 6 years. It was handy when I was living in Los Angeles, taking the public transportation all over the city. There were areas where all there was are hispanics and I needed to know something (most likely what time does the bus come or where the public bathrooms were lol). But I still didn't like to speak spanish fluently because I was too shy and most hispanics spoke spanish too fast for me to converse with. Plus I always had good close friends who were spanish speaking my whole life and every one in a while, i would practice some spanish with them.

Present Day

I am basically playing catch up. Now that I am an adult, I have learned to appreciate the asian culture. I am still battling self-esteem issues but I am more confident overall. I am some what more comfortable with myself in my own skin. I am a bible student and study the bible daily and meditate on what I read. 

I have been blessed to be a Jehovah's witness and to be part of the world wide organization which the main goal is to preach to others about the bible, Jehovah God and his heavenly kingdom. Part of preaching is learning foreign languages.  I feel like Jehovah God has answered my prayers regarding this. I have had the privilege of being out in the ministry with the vietnamese congregation from Wichita, KS and going to meetings at the chinese congregational meetings.  Even though, I still dont know how to converse well with others, the tones are like home to me. I would say I know more laotian words and phrases because I am around my Laotian family more but I don't really practice it much. I am learning mandarin, cantonese, vietnamese, and some thai. 

Something exciting just recently happened. I was blessed to be present at the beginning of the language class for vietnamese in kansas city.  It started 3 weeks ago and already this week, we're learning theocratic terminology.  And then one of my friends from the Chinese congregation told me that they're gonna start a language class too for chinese. I couldn't believe it!  I have been asking the friends from chinese about an available  language class for a long time and there was never an answer. Prayer can really go a long way! And then so many people say a person should do one language and focus on only one. Can i really do one language or 2? I wish i can be 100% of something but i am mixed. I feel the need to learn more than 1 language,  not just to converse with family when I travel but for the ministry.  No matter where I go, I need to think about what I set out to do when I got baptized. To tell others about what Jehovah God can do to save mankind and what it will mean for us personally. I love being a Jehovah's witness.                                                                                                      

June 2015

November 2015

A Blessing of Being a JW

A Full Year

I have been baptized a Jehovah's Witness for a little over a year now. I have progressed so much I think. My faith has been tested in so many ways, and its not the end either. I have been told that because I am a Witness now, Satan will be attacking me more than people of the world. Which is completely true!  I have appreciated the provisions that Jehovah has given us, the new JW Broadcasting, the new songs, the new Caleb & Sophia videos, and all the other videos presented through the JW Broadcasting. The JW Library app is completely integrated with JW Broadcasting if you want to download anything. Most of the publications are available to download in the JW Library app - which is what I appreciate because I have read some literature on my tablet especially the 2015 Yearbook this year.

There has also been a lot of changes in my full time job that has troubled me spiritually and I am still trying to cope with the changes made that has affected me directly and indirectly. It has been really rough and I am slowly but surely getting past it all.

(my new haircut - spring 2015)

Blessing 

I got baptized on April 5th, 2014 along side Natalie and Chris, other bible students from my hall. It was a really joyous day. I felt so nervous and giddy all at the same time. All baptismal candidates sat in the front row of the assembly hall in Kempur Arena. It was the best seats in the house! Too bad there was no drama, lol! Its also probably the one and only time I would ever sit that close to the podium. Natalie and I talked, she seems really nice, we have been talking about getting together to hang out or something, but nothing hasn't come of it yet. Chris also seems nice too but I don't really talk to him much. Both of them have families.  Fran, the sister I studied the God's Love book, she took lots of pictures of me during the baptism, which is a good thing. She knows how much I love pictures!

It is a blessing to be part of this amazing organization. There are times I get frustrated because of certain situations but I love the congregation I am in. Everyone makes me feel at home, some people invite me out with them to eat and hang out, sometimes I invite myself lol... and then I am the unofficial computer person in my congregation who almost everyone asks for assistance. I help one of the elders with his computer and printer connections, a relative of another elder just bought himself and his wife a tablet and they asked me to help them with that, and a group of the single older sisters would ask me every once in a while for assistance on their computers, tablets and smartphones. A sister moved from point A to point B to point C, and all 3 times I helped disconnect and reconnect all her electronics i.e. tv, dvd player, computer & phone. At one point, I was getting frustrated because I was the only one helping others and nobody helps me whenever I need help with tech stuff but a sister told me that I am special because I have such a willing spirit to help others and that Jehovah has used me to do so. I am so quick to think negative but I try to think positive and optimistic especially when I am around other people.

Field Service 

Whenever I am out in field service, I always have a smile on my face and always joke around. There are some of the friends who don't seem to smile or talk much and I was wondering why. A sister told me that its just a difference of personalities in a car group versus another group of personalities in another car group. I always try to draw people out, but sometimes it can be draining if its one way all the time. Everyone is great to go out in field service with. I just enjoy being out with the brothers and sisters, getting to know other people and their stories on how they found the truth.

The campaign in August was amazing. I was so used to being around the older brothers and sisters in field service, that the whole month of August I was finally doing service with the younger brothers and sisters. It was a breath of fresh air! I was so excited that I took pictures of everyone with the tracts and bibles. There was even one Saturday I went out with 2 elders and their wives, (that was a rarity for me), I asked if I could make a poster/collage of the August campaign for everyone. Liberty congregation has almost half rural territory and half city territory. I did mostly city so most of us (young ones) walked door to door. So when I took pictures of people, it was usually of the younger ones in my car groups! The older ones did rural territories. They usually stay in the car and drive from house to house. Whoever has a hard time walking, they take the houses with less stairs or no stairs at all. The somewhat of the younger of the older ones would take the houses with more stairs.

Work 

A lot has happened at work. It was challenging and it troubled me emotionally. It went from being a job I loved to a job that I hated to a job that I can barely tolerate. I have been doing graphic design for over a decade. Graphic design is a craft that I have always had a passion for. No matter what regular jobs I had, I always found work as an independent contractor. I was able to practice what I learned from community college and trade school over the years on my own. So what happened at work within the past year, really hurt me so much with my confidence and self-esteem issues. I was finally good with myself, I was able to say I did graphic design for a living and I was proud of myself.

Basically what happened at work:
1. The president got terminated and replaced by the recent person he hired before he got terminated.
2. My supervisor who I was working with via Skype moved back into town, and got promoted to C.O.O. and I just continued to help him with work.
3. Old management got stripped away their powers but still are vital to the company and still present; new management started making changes around work but not implementing them. Same problems, different people.
4. More meetings behind closed doors, a lot of hush conversations and back talking. That means everyone else in the office in those meetings and I was left in the office to answer phone calls with no sales people available and I have to deal with customers.
4. New management hired an outside marketing team then fired them, then hired a person to replace what I originally did. Someone who graduated from a university and has obviously more experience than me.

The last part was the hardest one for me to get past. But I am finally coming to terms with it. Thats why it took me so long to blog about it. I doubted my abilities as a graphic designer, I doubted my passion, I doubted whether my skills are worth anything to prove to the new management at work or anybody else. A couple months ago, we received a letter from the headquarters saying that they are in need of people who are skilled in the arts. I was originally going to apply when the letter was read at the meeting but because what happened at work affected me so much, I didn't want to anymore. Everyone who knew me best, told me to apply! There was at times recently I feel more at ease with myself. I have been doing more personal study, meditated and prayed more to Jehovah, talking to him about everything that has been troubling me. I told him I need help to be spiritually strong and to be at peace. There were at times I felt an anxiety attack and it scared me to death. Thats how bad I was. I knew Jehovah can help me, because I can sense he helped me through my transitions from different phases of my life. I am the type of person who is bad with words but Jehovah helped me with writing my last talk, the one on What Does the Bible Promise For the Future? I was surprised at myself and I knew it was Jehovah who helped me write the talk. I talked a couple of my close friends about my situation and it has helped me a little bit. What really helped me is time. Time to deal emotionally with personal study, prayer and meditation. For every single time we had a meeting or watchtower study article, I think about what the material is and apply it in my life.

Now as I am helping out a friend move out of state, I am more at peace with myself and am ready to apply to work at Bethel, either working remotely from home or going there to help out in the many projects that are in place. I am going to submit it this weekend. I already sent the web links of my portfolio to the congregation secretary. I might not get accepted but at least, I did it. And I will continually progress as a bible student and draw closer to Jehovah.

(my hairstyle - fall 2014)

Re-Learning What I Already Knew

I still live in Liberty, Missouri. I have made a life here, and downgraded from a one bedroom apartment to a studio apartment. I even broke up with my previous boyfriend of one year. He was a co-worker from my gas station job. We grew to love each other in a short period of time and soon we shared that one bedroom apartment. I thought he was the one. He actually proposed to me during a rock concert we went to. But he did something that I didn't like and that's when I broke it off. He did love me and was willing to do anything for me. But for everything, something always have to give.

While I was working the 2 jobs at Savers and the gas station, I worked non-stop between 50 -70 hours a week. I couldn't even plan out a full day off from work. When I thought I got a day off from one job, another job calls me up and say "can you work today?" Which I always say yes because I needed the money. Especially during that time, I didn't had a car and I was walking from point A to point B. After awhile, I bought myself a cheap bike from Walmart, a boys' size bike for $50ish. It was rough... esp this is during the winter. I even worked throughout the holidays. I worked during Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. Some of those holidays I even worked both jobs because they needed extra help. So it was a big plus for when I was saving up money for a car.

My boyfriend and I moved in together November/December 2011 in Liberty. Our first date was a month before we moved in together. So it was pretty quickly, especially the place I was staying at was my boyfriend before him, his name was also Matthew. The new Matthew, and me walked to work, he also didn't have a car. His family and him recently moved up here from Mississippi the previous year and the only person who had a car was his dad. My boyfriend was there at the gas station at the time when one day I had a customer walk in and ask if anybody knew who was looking to buy a car. I said, "I do, ME!" Lol... luckily, things turned up, my co-worker/boyfriend helped me out by negotiating with the guy who was selling his mom's car. I was able to buy the car at a reasonable amount of around $2400ish. After 7-8 months of hard work, I bought a black 1997 Honda CRV. During that time, my boyfriend just got a raise, was working graveyard and he then persuaded me to quit one of my 2 jobs. He didn't like to see me over-working myself. So I decided to quit the job at the gas station since that was part time. I needed something more stable so I kept the full time job that I had at Savers. This was around April/May 2012. I felt a lot better not over-working myself out after I quit the gas station job.

Savers was a fast-paced job, I was working in the production room, trying to meet quota, and it was non-stop push on something that was unrealistic numbers. After awhile, they hired 2 new people to do the Bed and Bath department for me. I trained both of them, and I slowly cross-trained myself into doing the Shoes and Clothing department. I was originally trained to do Clothing pricing and Shoes had the same rating system as the Clothing so it was easy to learn. Basically, I incorporated all I know about fashion from Los Angeles to my job at Savers. Bed and Bath department was all me since the grand opening of the store. One day, we were down a couple people at the tables (the beginning part of the production line) and I was asked by a co-worker of mine to work as a hanger, then all of a sudden, I was on the tables since. This was around mid-late summer of 2012. I liked the fact I was doing something else other than Bed and Bath department. One bad thing about it was the repetition. Other than that, it was nice. In the later part of a work day, I would have helped rack off the lines, (meaning clearing the lines of already hanged clothes onto an empty clothing rack) then I would most likely tag the racks (meaning putting price tags on the clothes with my tag gun) then if they need more help I would roll the racks on to the sales floor and put the clothes out. I had fun hanging for Diego, he was a new hire and I think he's gay and fun to be around. He was the sorter on my side of the table, whenever I was low on piles, I would help him sort then when I was good on piles, I would start hanging again. After my first full year there, I was trying to get a raise and/or promotion, but nobody really helped me and I was getting fed up. I was there for almost a year and a half until I found myself another job.

The biggest change during this time of my life was when I met an older woman, Mary Murphy, while I was working at Savers. One of the days, I was rolling Bed and Bath on to the floor, she approached me with a Chinese tract. I recognized it to be one of the literature produced by Jehovah's Witnesses. I actually studied the bible with a Jehovah's Witness when I was a teenager for several years. I knew it was the truth but after I moved from Connecticut to California, I continued to study with another sister but never progressed because my ex-husband gave me an ultimatum. I was young so I chose love for him over studying the bible. At this current time of my life, I decided to resume my bible study. It has been 10 years since I stopped my bible study, but I started all over again. There were a couple things that has changed since the first time around. When I first started studying, I was studying the Knowledge book and there were 2 meetings during the week. Now the new study aid was the Bible Teach book and they combined the 2 meetings into 1 meeting during the week. I feel so much better studying the bible again and I really felt the love among the congregations and from Jehovah God. I studied the Bible Teach with Mary Murphy and Fran Bailey, sisters from the North Independence Kingdom Hall. I started studying with them while I was living with Matt early part of 2012 - around February/March. Matt was studying a little bit with me but he didn't like it and was also trying to convince me to not study either like my ex-husband. It took me a while but eventually got his support on my bible study. Mary also helped me to stand my ground on what I know was the right thing to do according to Jehovah's standards. When I started to go to the meetings, I felt the warmth and love all around. I miss the feeling from the meetings back in Connecticut. I was talking to everybody at the meetings, introducing myself to everybody, trying to get to know everybody. I was ecstatic. I got to know some of the older ones, the younger ones, and some of the elders. The only group that I felt was kinda untouchable was the teenagers. I guess me being 29/30 years old, I felt I was far from their teenage angst and couldn't understand them anymore LOL! Studying the Bible Teach was basically catch up for me. I regained my relationship back with Jehovah and I could feel his holy spirit helping me get closer to him and to the spiritual family. I began to make friends with the Liberty, Rockcreek, Independence North congregation and the Chinese group that meets at the same kingdom hall with the Rockcreek and Independence North. Linda Johnson, a sister who started to help Mary study with me, couldn't continue to be there so they had Fran Bailey to be with Mary. Then Linda also had another sister from the Liberty congregation to drive me to the meetings, Fran Hennessy. She happened to live really close to me, so it was convenient for the both of us. We developed a close friendship and then when I finished studying the Bible Teach with Mary and Fran B. I started the second book, the God's Love book with Fran Hennessy. I don't remember when the book transition happened.

Mary did have an affect on me, she was a spiritually mature older sister and helped me on my relationship with Matt. One of the things Matt did that I didn't like, he tends to make decisions for the both of us and change plans on the both of us on spur of the moment. One Saturday night, he did that, we both went bar hopping, and one of the bars we went to, I was alone while he and his dad was drinking and making friends then I told him I wanted to go home, then he said something about "my religion" and I didn't like his tone of voice. I didn't realize the impact of what I did that night, but I kicked Matt out of our apartment and we stopped communication for a whole week. I was considering to get back together with him but his dad threatened me, my job and the religion. My potential father-in-law scared me so much that I was went to my boss and talked about this with her. Esp he said something that he was going to go to my workplace and tell everyone how I was a terrible person and horrible worker. Also he said he will go to world headquarters of Jehovah's Witnesses and blow up the place and get a lawyer and sue the whole organization. This happened around November 2012.  We were officially together for one whole year as of the day I kicked him out of the apartment. He was trying to come up with a one year anniversary thing for the both of us but it didn't really worked out because of his poor planning skills. I was thinking maybe I over-reacted about that Saturday night but because of how his dad over-reacted to our break-up, I didn't bother clearing up our misunderstanding. I ended up living on my own in the one bedroom apartment with just my minimum wage full time job at Savers for a month and a half alone. I was just in a rush to find a lower rent of an apartment, something more affordable with the little pay I did get. Even though we broke up, Matt helped me move into another apartment that I found near the Liberty Square, an apartment in the basement floor of the complex. I moved into the studio apartment January 1st, 2013.

I became an unbaptized publisher around March/April 2013. I was actually excited to go out in field service the first time I went. I still enjoy going out in the field ministry to this day. I still don't know what to say half the time but in due time, I will know more to say at the door when preaching the good news of Jehovah God's heavenly kingdom. Later on in the year, I started to participate in the Theocratic Ministry School as a householder. It was really cool and I was nervous. Most of the times, I was Fran H.'s householder. So I was comfortable with her. After I was done studying the God's Love book with Fran H. I was a little antsy on what was I supposed to do next. I was told to just continue doing my weekly personal bible study, daily bible reading, preparing for the meetings and reading the daily text. That is a lot for me but I am still going at it.

Life in Liberty, Missouri

Me - August 2011

2011
After living with my family in Kansas City for 5 months, it was really getting on my nerves.  I was always wrong with my cousin,  no matter what I do, she even got a job and tried to get me to work with her but I knew if I were to work with her,  my life would be more of a living hell 24/7, not just at home. One of the many thing other than looking for a job online, I was also looking for dates/ guys on dating sites and such. One of the sites, I went on Plenty of Fish, and I actually got some dates through that. I actually hooked up with someone there and we were together for 1 month and he helped me a lot for a short amount of time we were together.  He helped me get a job, which was more than my cousin has helped me. Out of all the places I applied to, I got my first 2 jobs in Liberty, Missouri working in a gas station next to walmart and a new thrift store called savers.  All because of my first boyfriend.  Of course, it was short lived, he broke up with me, and then I used him as an excuse to move out of my family's house, it was bad manners to do so but I didn't care at the time. I knew that if I continued to live there with my new income in my family's house, I would have given them all my paycheck and I would just get trapped in a situation all over again, and I wasnt gonna get sucked back into it.  So my new friend, let me live with him for a couple of months till I got back onto my feet. I was working non-stop, even working on holidays, walking to and back home from work,  sometimes I would be lucky for my friend to drive me there or back.

My Uncle & Aunt with their grandchildren

Savers
When I first started working at Savers,  I was really excited. It was a new store of a franchise and they kept on saying that they do promotions,  benefits,  helping the environment,  and all that.  I was working there full time,  making friends all over the place.... after awhile, things settled down. In the beginning, my position was to be a women's clothing pricer, but I wasnt fast enough so they transfered me to do bed n bath department-  sorting,  folding,  tagging, pricing n rolling my own stuff. I had 1 other person in my department and her name was Ashley,  she seemed to be cool. But later on,  she had some personal family drama that led her to miss so many days and her not being at work really affected me and for the both of us,  to not make our quota. By this time, working at savers was not fun anymore. I was really stressed out for not making quota because the second person wasn't there half the time. It was pissing me off... but nonetheless,  I had fun especially when we dressed up, there was a big thing of costumes all the time.... I started to hang out with my coworkers like  Tim, Sherry and Buffy. Tim was a musician and music producer and worked as a recycler full time on the production team. He was always nice to me by helping me out recycling my linens without me calling out. Sherry is a Baptist,  started off in shoes department then transfered into the bed n bath department to help me out. Buffy was a cashier in the beginning, then she became a roller for clothing, then switched to do jewelry department. 

Savers Logo/Poster/Brand at Grand Opening 

My Horrendous Work Station 

Some of us during one of the costume days 

Gas Station

Basically started both jobs the same time. Because savers was a full time job,  I asked if I could get my part time job at the gas station to coincide with the savers job. My boss at the gas station was really nice about it. I was really grateful that the gas station was just down the street from Savers so after working Savers, I can walk up to the other job and I would bring my backpack so I can change from one work shirt to the other work shirt, both red. Of all the colors, I always hated the color red but it just happens to be that way. When I got hired at the gas station, there were also 2 other new people, Corey and Jennifer. I had fun there,  it was more laid back than Savers. Whenever I worked with Jennifer, we would gossip about our coworkers and customers all the time. There were even a couple of guys that we worked with that we had semi- crushes on. I liked this guy name Matt and she liked another guy .... who was already taken... lol... Matt, the guy that i liked, was 1 year younger than me. It was so wierd, liking someone who was younger,  I was always into guys who are 13 years older than me haha... after our first date, we seem to be hitting it off pretty well.

Gas Prices were actually reasonable... 

Work at the Gas Station was chill but nice to work at compared to Savers 

Corey!!... 

Denny, the Night guy 

Living With Family

Now I'm starting from the end of my previous post. I moved to Kansas City,  Missouri at April 1st, 2011 on my first road trip, it was the only way that I can move with most of my stuff excluding my furniture.  My cousin,  Ketsana flown to Los Angeles,  I took her to Chinatown, and to visit my uncle and his daughter,  it was a little going away thing there with the little family who actually likes me and has tolerated me.

My family in Los Angeles for the most part were ok with me.  The only ones who really made it difficult for me to belong was my 2 cousins who I first lived with,  Wendy and Sam. I moved in with my Aunt Manivanh, she's Christian and really nice but her kids didn't really make me feel at home so after 4-5 months I moved to live with my Uncle Soukanh. He was the one I saw before I left LA. Him and his daughter, Tracy, the only cousin I was really close to.

I decided to leave for so many different reasons. 

1. Always financially struggling with 2-4 part time jobs. 
2. Always supporting myself and one other person (typically my ex husband and ex boyfriend)
3. The BS that I have to deal with in the adult industry
4. Always trying to find another better job outside the adult industry so I don't need to do that stuff anymore.  But it's just so hard,  all I can get is lame jobs that pay minimum wage...
5. After getting arrested for the 3rd time,  that was the last straw for me. 
6. I didn't wanna be the mean person by kicking out my boyfriend so I eliminated myself from the equation. 
7. I recently visited Kansas City 5-6 months prior of me moving there.  I realized my nephews and nieces don't really know me, strangers, the only one who remembers me is the oldest because the last visit prior to that one was 3-4 years before that. So another reason for me moving the was to create that relationship with my nephews and nieces,  and reconnecting with my cousins and my Aunt and uncle. 

Road Trip

I loved the actual road trip,  I rented an intermediate size car,  I tried to put in as much stuff as i could possibly can.  Ketsana couldn't believe I had so many stuff.  I didn't think I had so much stuff , just a enough for a Californian chick. Hehe... I drove for like 2-4 hours,  Ketsana drove for 18-20 hours,  I guess she wanted to be in control even tho she complains that she's the only one who is driving,  I kept on insisting I can drive every 3-4 hours.  That was the only conflict we had.  We talked about the future,  how we can help each other and all that. I was just on awe that we're going through all these states.  I really wanted to stop by the grand canyon, but it was just too out off the way but whatever.  We basically stopped at a gas station in every state that we passed, and I bought myself a couple of postcards of each state and I was taking pictures on the way,  and of the sunset of the straight horizon of the Great Plains as we start to arrive in the mid West.

The Obvious Future / The Setting

Now when I was homeless,  my cousin, Ketsana keep urging me too move in with her.  I said no,  let me try to make it on my own first,  because I knew in my heart,  it was inevitable, she personally wanted me to become her built in nanny for her kids.  When I finally gave in,  I knew well enough what I was getting myself into.  The reality sink in after the first couple days in the family house. The house has 2 bedrooms, one bathroom, one kitchen, one dining room, a living room,  and a basement.  There lived 5 adults and 5 children.  I became the 6th adult.  My aunt and uncle is in one bedroom,  Ketsana and her 3 kids in the other bedroom,  Tina,  (my younger cousin) and her husband and her 2 kids in the basement.  They were in the process of constructing a downstairs bathroom so we all won't be using the same bathroom. It never was finished while I was there.  The new living arrangement now that I was too be living there,  was that I sleep with Ketsana and 1-2 of her kids. Her youngest,  Jazlyn changes back and forth from sleeping with her mom and her grandparents.  Her middle child,  Islind usually sleeps with us. Her oldest child, Damion sleeps on the floor next to the grandparents' bed, on a thin twin size mattress pad. 

Family

We bought a lot of bins so we can store my clothes and bought myself a cheap computer desk so I can  set up my computer on it. My computer became the house computer,  all the kids wanted to to be on my computer. Oh and from the first day I stayed,  I started to teach the kids different  stuff. I taught Damion origami and how to draw. I taught Islind his ABCs and a little bit of how to read and write the abc's.   I taught Jazlyn, and the other 2 babies, Alyza & Jojo their numbers and the alphabet.  On the computer, I showed fun computer games for all the kids so they can learn their numbers and the alphabet.  I started to really care and grew affectionate for all of them.  Tina and her husband kept on being on their phones and being in the living room all day long.  At the time,  Tina was working full time,  and her husband was a stay at home dad,  he cooked whenever he felt like it. Ketsana taught me how to cook laotian food.  All the foods that I need to learn how to cook.  I don't know how to spell them all out in english, but I actually enjoyed myself learning how to cook.  I could tell that I was getting on her nerves though because I was too slow. They all said that I don't wanna help out with the cooking or cleaning unless I was being asked.  Well in the beginning I was cleaning up all the stuff around the house every single day,  while the kids just played around and the other adults just slept ask day or be on their cell phones. After awhile of me being the only one cleaning,  I stopped initiating the clean up ... I was fed up. People was complaining that I was on my computer to much,  will what else was I supposed to do? Tina's husband,  Davanh was on his cell phone or laptop in the living room while "so-called" looking after all the kids if they are in the living room while watching tv.   I looked after the kids if they were in the bedroom with me.  Believe me,  they went back and forth all day! There were 3 babies,  at the time, Jazlyn was 3, Alyza was 2, Jojo was a little more than a year old? I don't remember the exact ages but the was always a baby crying.  All three of them was in diapers,  the girls kept on playing and fighting and their moms actually encouraged their fighting reach other which I think is totally wrong but what do I know? Nobody jumps at their crying,  but they just let the babies cry,  they say it is tough love,  and that they shouldn't cater to every babies needs.  They would only step in if the baby would not so crying after a certain time frame like a half hour or an hour or so. Most of the time,  the baby will eventually stop crying and start playing again. 

 

Uncle Xeng & me with the 5 kids 

Aunty Lee & the 5 kids 

Damion & Islind 

Alyza & Damion & Jazlyn 

Semi-New Life in a Different Setting

Even though, I've been so busy with work and just living life, doing errands, studying the Bible, I vow to myself that I should also start blogging more. Especially when someone in particular actually facebooked me saying that he's a fan of my blog? After I finally took the time to try to find the right email that I use for blogger.com and the password, I can blog once more! Yay me! As much as i want to write about my life right now, I think its best to write in order of my stories that I've written so far.

From my previous blog, it was about my living with the Pats, Robert, Rambo, and Dustin. Then I was homeless for four months. One of my girlfriends hooked me up with an apartment, some of her other friends were looking for a roommate so I jumped at the chance. Esp the time of the year, I was homeless was around December, it was so cold sleeping in the car! After living there for a month, the girlfriend that helped me out with that apartment, was having troubles with her own live-in boyfriend and she kicked him out. It was so convenient that she was living month to month and she was friendly with her landlord that she got a hook up to transfer from her one apartment to another apartment and she asked me to be her roommate. I choose to live with her after living with strangers for one month LOL but she was just that way I guess. I've known my friend since 2001, when I was a senior in high school and she was a sophomore, so we've been friends for awhile. Her name is Nancy and we just so happen to have the same birthday - August 10. She was so big on zodiac horoscopes, and she lives by that stuff. I was never into that, I always thought the descriptions of the Leo never applied to me. But which for her, it does a lot. I was still with Robert and he was living with the Pats and Dustin and he was telling me that he wanted to move out of there. So after a couple of months living with Nancy, we agreed to have Robert move in to our junior studio apartment. It was getting cozy lolz. Then after awhile, Nancy's sister, Karen moved in and out then her cousin, Johnny moved in. Usually there at most was 4 people living in our junior studio apartment. What's different with our junior studio apartment was that it had a lame-excuse of a wall separating the main room three quarters of the way and there was no door. Nancy and I shared a walk-in closet - my clothes on one side and her clothes on the other side. As a person walks in through the closet, you walk into the bathroom. So whoever we invite over, they have to walk through our closet of clothes (sometimes it can be messy LOL esp on Nancy's side!) to get to the bathroom!

We had our own shenanigans.
We went to Las Vegas to celebrate our birthday together since it was the same day.
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And we went gay clubbing a couple of times.
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Partying it up 80s styles was the thing with Nancy, Johnny & Karen.





Our lifestyle was okay most of the time. Both of our work schedules was opposite so we hardly see each other and we never fight over the bathroom which was a good thing for being roommates with another girl. Nancy works full time at Costco but it would mostly be 2nd shift, but sometimes different hours everyday and even on her days off, she wouldn't be at home either because she would go to her family's house or hanging out with her other friends. Me, I would work all these odd hours because of the inventory jobs that would be sporadic, and the background acting jobs I would get in between the days I don't work the inventory jobs. Then when I would go through these 1 or 2 weeks of no work, I would be so stressed, that I would go back to my modeling. I've been modeling since 2002 and I'm talking about me living with Nancy from February 2009 to March 2011. My work life was hectic sometimes and other times it was really slow. I was really a hustler living the life in LA. I was trying to speed up my money making skills especially I was becoming an old-school veteran in the field of modeling I was in even though the recession has hit everyone in every way possible. The recession has affected all of my jobs that I've had in my life. Less jobs from inventory. More movie/tv productions has left the US or Cali to film in cheaper locations (like Vancouver, North Carolina, New Zealand) so less background acting jobs. Modeling jobs have been reducing their pay and/or moving to other cities/countries where they can get more girls that will do it for cheaper. Like Las Vegas or Miami or Thailand. There were times I was really stressed enough that I was just not thinking and just do risky things that I should have known not to do. But I don't think I should say much details about that. I was working as an independent contractor, trying to find my own work but I found a couple of agents who would help me get new clients as well. At one time, I thought that I was going somewhere with one client, he told me that he needed some help and wanted me to be part of his posse. (He was a celebrity.) But it was mostly talk and he was usually high, stoned, and drunk most of the time. Like, I said, I was trying to up my game and live life to the fullest, but it was getting to be too much. I was even trying things that I haven't done before, like different ways of making money but within the same industry. It was hard to make girlfriends and trusting them to help me go through some things.

Of all my things I have done, I was being careless and I got arrested in 2010 and stayed in the Van Nuys police station for a couple of days and then got transferred to the Los Angeles County Jail. Because this was not my first time but my third time getting arrested, I was considered having 2 warrants (from previous arrests and charges) and some kind of fees that I didn't pay (which I knew I paid off but stupid system). This third time, nobody I knew would bail me out so I stayed for 45 days in county jail which was the worst time of my life. There was crappy, moldy food, a lot of sleeping and laying down. I was thinking about a lot of things. How screwed up I was. How I can never find a full time regular job with taxes taken out, how i always get these temp or part time jobs that wasn't reliable and I'm living in a high cost city. (This was also the time when it was around $5 a gallon too, so most of my driving was 25-45 minutes to go from point A to point B - anywhere, any direction!!) I stopped calling my boyfriend that I had at the time. He still made less money than I was making. But I knew he cared about me. I knew that something had to give. I can't be living like this, getting arrested because of my choice of profession. I divorced my ex-husband in 2006/2007 and I shouldn't be blaming him for my life anymore. It was his fault that I fell into that profession but I chose to stick to it because I felt it was the only thing I know how to do and was making good money because of my youthful looks. I got my GED, but never finished college. I tried trade school but never finished that either. I felt really depressed because I did tried job hunting for the longest time but it was really frustrating and difficult. But I vowed to myself that I am going to make a difference in my life. I don't want to do this anymore. And if I do, it will have to be some place legal like in Reno, NV. I tried to get someone I knew that was working in one of the brothels there to hook me up, but it never went through.

Another thing I wanted to change in my life was my love life. My ex-husband was a dreamer, I was the realist. I wore the pants in the relationship. It was me who brought in the bucks. It was because of mostly my modeling gigs that he still kept the apartment we lived in. When "we" bought my car, the 2004 Honda, he wouldn't let me drive it even though the car was under my name and I had better credit that was why it was under my name. It was me who supported his dream of him becoming an actor and stuntman in the hollywood business. It was getting on my nerves. Then my next boyfriend, we lived together when we lived with Rambo and the Pats and then with Nancy and Johnny/Karen. It was great, he treated me better and loved me more, but financially it was similar to living with my ex-husband. I lived with them four years each. There was several times when Robert couldn't come up with his share of the rent and I had to pay for his portion, I keep on telling him and myself that I did it out of love. But how can I pay his portion so many times and then his car kept on breaking down and I would help him get his car fixed then one time, it got towed and we had to get it out using my savings that I had. I'm not the type of person to kick somebody out because I;ve had enough. I knew that he wouldn't have any place to go so eventually I decided to eliminate myself out of the picture.

My cousin in Kansas City kept on telling me to move in with her. My other cousin in CT was telling me to move back home to live with them too. Both of them tried telling me this when I was homeless. Both of them tried telling me again after I got out of jail the third time around. I had to think about the pros and cons of living in Kansas City, CT and Cali. So I decided to move to Kansas City to be close to my dad and his brother's family. My two cousins being like my sisters but I haven't lived near them since 1996.

That would be the next blog. Til next time. Laters!